I’ll be that tactful lover

I don’t understand my emotions and  I don’t understand where and what I want to be. Looking at pictures just made me feel lonelier. Like I don’t have enough of that- I fuck around too much and I don’t have my head on straight. Be thankful I didn’t fuck up.

I hate where these emotions take me. I’m driving no where fast and everywhere I look, I seem to fall deeper into this eternal lonliness. 

What is wrong with you? Tell me now, and I’ll fix it.

I don’t fucking know, but I’d rather kill it. 

I should hit on you for all its worth to see if I could get into those pants. I should try to be a little more open, I should be, but I can’t. 

I won’t.

I won’t admit that I really want to be with you. 

And I don’t even know who you are.

But I like you and I know for damn sure you don’t even know who I am.

I said I won’t force myself- that it’ll happen. But shit hasn’t happened, because I’m pulling myself back. 

I’m doing nothing to get to you, but I’m doing everything to set myself off to the wrong place.

I took ten steps back and you sprung twenty steps forward. Where fore art thou? Bitch, I can’t spring forward as you do. 

I can’t keep it in nor can I keep it up.

I want to be with you, but I don’t have a fucking clue of where to start.

Should I whisper in your ear, give you something we all know you want to hear? Should I hold your hand and whisper sweet nothings? Should I hold you tight and never let you go? Should I tell you that you’re where I want to be?

I’m pathetic as it is and its February. 

I have no one standing beside me, but maybe mere shadows of what could be my friends. 

I don’t push hard to get to know you and I’m sorry.

We’ll never fucking meet and that makes me sad.

If I said I couldn’t live my life without you, that’d be a lie. Because I’ve been doing it since day one. I’m not going to sprout tacky shit for your sake. I might have fallen for you. But I’m staying true to my words.

I will fucking love you, with all my might maybe. I’ll have my way with you- I’ll ravish you and I’ll spoil you, but I won’t ever say something I don’t mean. It’ll hurt, we’ll hurt. Just being without you, I can bear. See? But I can’t fucking bear this solitude. 

I’m selfish, it comes with the territory. I rarely get angry, so I’ll be good to you. But I’m impatient waiting to see you. Sometimes I want you now and sometimes I want you later. 

Baby, I just want you to be my now and later. 

But I don’t know where to start. I’m not trying to sell myself, god knows that and you should too. All I’m trying to say is, I want you right now. 

Exclusively, near my side. We don’t need to take pictures, we don’t need to hold each other, because for the moment I just want a peek at you.

I want to see you, just for a bit. And then we can get back to the way we used to be. Because I won’t be on your ass, I won’t cling onto you for goodness sake- that wouldn’t be playing true to who I am. 

I’m everything thats not wanted, but you’re everything I wanted.

I’m sorry I can’t give you the world, but you are my world. And I know I’m only mouthing you cliches, but bear with me until then.

Because I will love you like a a fat kid loves cake. 

Just let me find you.

I can’t bear to like this.

I can be your all. 

I can be so much more than this if I could could just see you.

My words may not sound like magic and I’m no superstar. And maybe I can’t sweep you off your feet. But baby, I never said we’d do it like we’d do it in a fairytale. 

I’ll be something you need. 

I want you right now, so badly.

I don’t mean to sound desperate in these attempts, but I just can’t stand acting like such a fool.

’cause dear you make me feel this way.

It’s a shame a fool would fall so hard for someone they’ll never see.

Novacaine

I know I’m selfish for wanting to do the things i want to do, for not doing what I’m supposed to do. I do want to be selfless, but for being the way I am, I can’t help but be selfish; I’m the worst kind. You might understand, but I don’t give a damn anymore.

I’m numb- and all I want to do is run off.

I hate obligations, responsibility.

I’m a child; I don’t know how to fucking deal.

This situation is straining and all we really want… is broken. What’s best is if you left, maybe if you weren’t there. It’s heartwrenching in some ways, but these tears are all dried up. I can’t feel anymore. I don’t know what to say or do. I’d rather not deal, but I can’t run away from it all.

But its not like I’m doing anything to help you, or you, or even you.

I really am selfish, because I just don’t want to be apart of this anymore.

We never had an empire state building. We had measely shack fixed up with patches of the cheapest material you could find. Well… all that is deteriorating.

Who do you think you are?

Who do I think I am?

Its unhealthy.

I’m sick of these emotions, of these actions, of these words.

I’m annoyed.

I no longer want to be here anymore.

I no longer live here.

I no longer want to be.

These words mean nothing, do they?

I’m filled with selfish thoughts and empty threats.

I want to do better for her. I want nothing more to do with you..  I want to scream at you, but no words will come out. Nothing will ever work out the way its planned. We’ll be together eventually it seems.

Forgive? Maybe. Forget, never.

You’re a child, a fool to lose the very thing you worked so hard to build. You’re a hypocrite, a liar.

So why can’t I stand up?

How can you not feel the least bit guilty?

You have no shame. You have no morals, you have no dignity. You’re too damn proud and I’m too damn quiet.

It’s a shame really… you’re about to lose everything.

But thats not true, because I think I know better than anything else…

Nothing feels right anymore.

She got that thang on her.

I don’t know what to say or do anymore. And as time continues on I find myself falling further and further away from where I am supposed to be.

Where the hell am I supposed to be?

“oooh, you said a bad word.” We must now decline your access to the world wide web; please hold.

Well, all your books are burnt and your system is corrupted, I think there’s a virus on there.. woah, why is there a porno there?

Thats right, I have no fucking clue what I’m talking about and I don’t give a damn if I sound uneducated.

I’m constantly on my own ass about finding someone to be with for the time being, but I’m not even looking. its too hot in this room and I feel sick, like the sick where I should die sick. Wouldn’t it be better if we all could fade away? I know I am.

I’m slowly dying too, it’s rad- but you should not join if you enjoy where you’re at or what you’ll be. It’s not intended for those with a huge heart. I’ve got one the size of a fist, maybe even smaller. Mmmhmm.

“Rock to the right, to the left, baby let me rock you all night.”

“Eww, you’re so ghetto.”

“You know I’m in love with you.”

“Aw?”

Gah, heres some quick dialogue… it might even be my story:

I’m a dying nation. Procreation, expansion, expashion? I try to rhyme like T-pain, but it never works out that way. The sun is setting and these I’s are getting redundant. But most of all I think i’ve fallen for you, no wait.. that person behind you. Though, I do love you.

Wait, what?

I love you.

Huh? Are you speaking in Hmong? I can’t understand you…

I think I love you.

…I think you’re crazy.

And that was the end of everything. So I never believed in love, because she told me I was crazy. Or was it a he? I was only 10. So here I am, nine years later sitting on my ass, ’cause I can.

“Oh my god, I want a vampire as a boyfriend.”

“Maybe you can get a Cyclops as one… I hear they’re the new- they’re in.”

She stares at me, “ugh, way to ruin the movement.”

I stare back, “ugh, hon its moment.”

She scoffs, “whatever.”

“Whatever you, am I not enough to be your boyfriend? You never had qualifications before.”

“ohmygod… just go somewhere else. I can’t focus with you hovering over me.”

“But I’m not, in fact.. I’m 10 feet away from you and aren’t we supposed to meet up your friend for a double date?”

She slams her book shut, “Sebastian… I’m trying to read.”

“You’ve read it ten times already and I’ve already taken you see to the movie, thrice in a row in fact.”

“And I love you for that… now be my Edward and-”

I walk out of the room before she could finish anything.

The sex won’t be good, damn right it won’t.

steady and fast

My mind unravels into nothingness, as I continue to ignore the warning signs of growing up. My sentences are merely fragments and all day I listen to r/b. Trinity’s on my nuts all day erryday and I can’t write anything. Things aren’t meant to be said, but I wonder when I’ll blow.

My weight fluctuates and everyday I hope to grow a little taller and even a little healthier. But my binging and insecurities get the best of me.

I do want to be a better person, but I’m too much of a sloth to try otherwise.

The fall air gets colder- sometimes I wish I was somewhere else preferably in my bed under the covers never to wake.

“Buh mama.. mama said be careful what you wish for.”

…Well mama don’t know jack. ‘Cause I’ll take my chances.

Sorry, but come again next time

I can’t write worth shit, so I’m going to write about how my day went:

I specifically ate a lot more this morning because of the blood drive i signed up for. I don’t know I was so excited to begin with ’cause usually people cringe at the site of needles and poking and proding… so I don’t quite understand why I was okay with it all. Half the reason why I signed up for it was to miss class and the other part was because I really did want to donate blood- so I’m not all that selfish. So, I walked on down to the field house, checked in, read the “educational materials” which consisted of if I’ve ever indulged in sex of any kind, oral, anal- you name it- it was there. And then on the back there were a list of medications that would interfere with the donating process. I was pumped, ’cause I made it through, with my number in hand and was eligible to donate… HAH, I had enough iron in my blood– thinking I wasn’t going to make it through the first process. I had my finger pricked and answered questions on my sexual appetite. Surprise, surprise I passed with flying colors. They moved me on to the opposite side of the room where they started the process of finding the right vein to take blood from. (I was also complimented on my shoes =3) Anyways, we had to switch around numerous times ’cause my left arm’s vein was too small for the needle and I guess she found a rockstar vein in my right arm. So there I lie clenching my fists with pressure already against my right arm. She stuck the needle in, advising me to turn away if I couldn’t handle it- at which I did, but I turned back to look anyways. Fucked up foreign films build up your immunity towards blood and needles and torture of some sort– too bad I wasn’t being tortured.

Apparently, she couldn’t find my rockstar of a vein and had another woman come check me up- she couldn’t find it, so she had another woman do it (the one who complimented on my shoes). Turns out theres something blocking it like tissue (or fat, who fucking knows.. I’m not as healthy as people think I am).  She gave me two options, one was to call it quits or try the other arm; with one arm poked and bleeding, why not get the other one too? So i opted for the other arm, ’cause I really wanted to donate blood- I seriously did. It turns out I can’t, because the veins on my left arm are too small and she wasn’t confident in doing that so in the end I donated nothing.

All those steps for nothing.

I was disappointed the whole day, eventhough I got my arm wrapped in a green bandage– shows my attempt to donate, too fucking bad I didn’t. I was looking forward to the lightheadedness. Eh, I came to the conclusion I’d be the best vampire meal ever, ’cause I’m willing to give my blood away… more eager than I should- would that make me a slut? To vampires? An easy meal? Damn, maybe in that sense it does… I just like feeling like I’ve done something good…

Which kind of brings me to another thought– kind of like foreshadowing, will my first time be like this too? Disappointing and unfinished?

I almost gave blood- well I almost got fucked.

I think these situations hold truth. ‘Cause I get the feeling they’ll be one in the same.

rambles in school

Usually I don’t write in school, but I guess today is the day this is going to all change. It might be squeaky clean ’cause I’m half asleep and I can’t remember the girl’s name in my dream on the way to school. I’m happy when sleeping at most times, otherwise when I’m awake I’m dead to the world. I put off this quiet persona ’cause thats who I am, but I there’s more, I ’spose, not much though. How the hell do you unveil a lazy person? I don’t talk, ’cause I don’t feel like carrying on. I’ve been told I’m good at listening so thats just what I’ll do… talking was never my thing (and I’m not really paying attention to what I’m typing). Alex is playing on my shuffle, itsallgood, I can’t understand a thing he’s saying other then he misses someone, but who doesn’t in a song?

Eh, I’m not up for dialogue now. I tried banning like from my vocab too, unless essential. She rollin’ for you? Like a blunt? It’s the aspiring drug dealer in me that surfaces. Yeah, right… I’d get my ass kicked if I really was doing that, so I just decided to become a rapper and have my cousin as my manager, “girl, lemme be yo manager.” Oooh, I like? Not really.

Up next is fashion and I kinda hate/like it; worksheets have never really been fun, but I don’t see why I’m hating these worksheets when they’re so damn easy. Maybe I was expecting to watch Project Runway, ’cause that would be aces (lmao, CR is so getting to me). I don’t have a life, honest to god, even though I don’t really believe in him- its my apathy that surfaces once more (it surfaces many times in blogs.).

I wish I was a ho? Just for kicks and giggles. Not really, I think I’d like to open an agency.

When I grow up…

Mah, so I got a 20 on my ACTs and a 2 on my ap test. Fucking whoop. I am so proud of myself, it makes me want to quit school and start my own strip club with awesome potato wedges- i’ll have them comin’ for more. Exactly, and precisely.. yum right? Yeah, I thought so to.

I’d probably get my ass kicked for even thinking of quitting school, plus I only have one year left of Anoka, so why not just continue? It wouldn’t hurt.

Eh, well.. so I opened up more to my supposed sexuality, whatever you call it. Anita says its being bi-curious and I guess I agree. I haven’t really done anything, but thats frankly because I’m too damn lazy to put effort into finding some chick to string along. Hah, so I just talk to them, flirt with them? Meh, whatever you call it. I act like I own a dick whenever we end up chatting. Everyone thinks I’m a guy online, but I just can’t help, but talk like one. There’s just some girl things that I won’t want to touch or embrace for the matter, so I won’t.

Its funny though.. when I say I’m bi, because, well… I begin to think more of having girls than guys. And with guys, I’ll think they’re cute and sometimes I want to be with one, but my mind somehow wonders off to the opposite direction.

Maybe I’m not what I think I am, and I just like looking at girls.

God, how fucking confusing is that? They’re pretty to look at, well so are guys. But I’ve said, “she’s pretty hot,” more than, “he’s hot.”

Mah, fcuk it. I can be asexual and specialize in health. I’ll be your next health teacher, so I can fcuk with your head. I think I’d be the best one too… ’cause I sure as hell can’t write.

Whine for me.

I gave up writing ’cause I couldn’t take the criticism; thats how weak minded I is. Regardless, I write tid bits of how I feel, rather than… rather than what? No idea, no idea.

Without being able to continue on this lost interest, I progress further into not trying and giving in easily or up if that works for you. It works for me just fine. Just fine, but I can’t settle for that as of late; why? ‘Cause I have a fcukin’ year left until I get knocked to the ‘real’ world they say. Whatever the hell that means.

Meh, i’ll manage somehow like I usually do. But I guess if I were a fuck-up I’d gain more out of this experience, but sadly I’m not. I’m just some asian kid obsessed with the past. I can’t work around my peter pan complex, no sir no.

Tired. Thats how I feel. I do nothing, I grow nothing, I seek nothing, and sometimes I feel nothing. Poor, poor shell. Thou is empty? Yes, like your gas gauge on E.

Excuse me. You’s are inappropriate to include in sentences; it’s informal- come see me.

Decodes to- You suck ass, what the fuck is wrong with you and why the fuck are you in this class? You can’t write worth shit; are you sure you’re not retarded?

No ma’am no. No sir no. I am not, sorry to disappoint, but I can’t do this anymore.

I give up… just like that.

the reason to.

Seeking and searching, while sleeping. Call it slight a coma, ’cause thats my status- my state. My ambitions vary from time to time- right now I just want to fly. Years go by, yet I feel like I haven’t grown- physically or mentally. And the best part about it, is when you fade behind.

I do, feel as if I’ve been here before. So, why does it feel like I can’t do anything… to stop it? For lack of words, I hold no power to these visions. I feel crazy and as if I’m imagining what will happen next, or in a few years. Yet, every time I get this feeling I can’t help but shudder and feel nostalgia pass me by.

Fuck astro-projecting in afternoons. All I get is sick of feeling weightless. I awake with a pain in my neck and I stumble out of bed half awake; blurs fill the room as I tumble out the bedroom and down the stairs. What… what do you do when… when you’re too scared to even try? What do you do when everything and everybody takes ten steps forward and you spring ten steps back? How the fuck do you catch up to that? Too slow to catch on and too clingy to the past. How do you let go of something you’re not ready to?

I can’t help, but keep this negative outlook. I can’t but feel like I’ve failed- ’cause anything I touch turns into sand. Anything I do… fails miserably.

So. How. Do. You. End. This.?

Sleeping for all its worth isn’t worth jack shit if you miss every little thing going on. Too selfish for my own good, I… focused on trivial matters. I was vain in my pursuit of acceptance. I, was… lonely.

And sad. Tired, and angry.

Troublesome. I just want to forget- to stop caring so much. Let me reach that apathetic state once again, because I can’t stand me.

Fly to the sky…

To never get high.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Sulking, sleeping, fading, meh.. all in a days work. I’m frightened to death. I don’t have the courage to pursue anything. Its hard to let go, really sir it is. So, why don’t we…

Fly?

High… higher and higher, so that when the day comes, I’ll no longer look away.