slurrs of some sort; an unlikely disagreement

I gave up writing ’cause I couldn’t take the criticism; thats how weak minded I is. Regardless, I write tid bits of how I feel, rather than… rather than what? No idea, no idea.

Without being able to continue on this lost interest, I progress further into not trying and giving in easily or up if that works for you. It works for me just fine. Just fine, but I can’t settle for that as of late; why? ‘Cause I have a fcukin’ year left until I get knocked to the ‘real’ world they say. Whatever the hell that means.

Meh, i’ll manage somehow like I usually do. But I guess if I were a fuck-up I’d gain more out of this experience, but sadly I’m not. I’m just some asian kid obsessed with the past. I can’t work around my peter pan complex, no sir no.

Tired. Thats how I feel. I do nothing, I grow nothing, I seek nothing, and sometimes I feel nothing. Poor, poor shell. Thou is empty? Yes, like your gas gauge on E.

Excuse me. You’s are inappropriate to include in sentences; it’s informal- come see me.

Decodes to- You suck ass, what the fuck is wrong with you and why the fuck are you in this class? You can’t write worth shit; are you sure you’re not retarded?

No ma’am no. No sir no. I am not, sorry to disappoint, but I can’t do this anymore.

I give up… just like that.

Seeking and searching, while sleeping. Call it slight a coma, ’cause thats my status- my state. My ambitions vary from time to time- right now I just want to fly. Years go by, yet I feel like I haven’t grown- physically or mentally. And the best part about it, is when you fade behind.

I do, feel as if I’ve been here before. So, why does it feel like I can’t do anything… to stop it? For lack of words, I hold no power to these visions. I feel crazy and as if I’m imagining what will happen next, or in a few years. Yet, every time I get this feeling I can’t help but shudder and feel nostalgia pass me by.

Fuck astro-projecting in afternoons. All I get is sick of feeling weightless. I awake with a pain in my neck and I stumble out of bed half awake; blurs fill the room as I tumble out the bedroom and down the stairs. What… what do you do when… when you’re too scared to even try? What do you do when everything and everybody takes ten steps forward and you spring ten steps back? How the fuck do you catch up to that? Too slow to catch on and too clingy to the past. How do you let go of something you’re not ready to?

I can’t help, but keep this negative outlook. I can’t but feel like I’ve failed- ’cause anything I touch turns into sand. Anything I do… fails miserably.

So. How. Do. You. End. This.?

Sleeping for all its worth isn’t worth jack shit if you miss every little thing going on. Too selfish for my own good, I… focused on trivial matters. I was vain in my pursuit of acceptance. I, was… lonely.

And sad. Tired, and angry.

Troublesome. I just want to forget- to stop caring so much. Let me reach that apathetic state once again, because I can’t stand me.

To never get high.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Sulking, sleeping, fading, meh.. all in a days work. I’m frightened to death. I don’t have the courage to pursue anything. Its hard to let go, really sir it is. So, why don’t we…

Fly?

High… higher and higher, so that when the day comes, I’ll no longer look away.

Sometimes I really wish I was Lola Granola, whoever she is. And sometimes, I wish I was crazy, so I wouldn’t have to think of feeling like shit- excuse my French. I want to be selfish, yet I want to be selfless. It’s terrible really, sir. I want many many  things, but a man is the least of my problems. Sometimes I wonder if its a woman I want? Or maybe just no one that I want. The truth is, is i want to feel like I’m needed. But, that’s okay, it really is.

I don’t have to want to need this.  I can just pretend and it’ll be all over; right? Because pretending is the next best thing.

Hey doc, hey doc… Can you make me feel empty? Can you make it so I’m empty? I don’t want to feel full anymore. No more sir, no more. Make it so I can’t feel. Make it so that, if someone wanted to be another, they could be me… ’cause I sure as hell don’t want to be me anymore, not right now atleast, nope, not today. Can you do that? Can you? I’d very much like that, I really would. I don’t mind at all of course. I really don’t.

Nope, not at all.

I’m running on borrowed time, a time that I carelessly toss out the door- window per say. This past year- these past years I’ve done nothing, but rot. Rot in the nearest corner. I crumble into shards of glass. I spill endless amounts of paint across the bathroom mirror. School. I hate it. I hate my laziness. My apathetic attitude- views. I can’t… I just can’t think of anything better to say.

Just give me a miracle or something. Walking in school half awake- being half asleep for the whole year.. is just fucking ridiculous.

I’m selfish to every degree, vain for every turn you take, lazy to the utmost…

I just don’t fucking think I should even exist anymore.

FCUK, lets say it five times fast. I know, I know that it won’t matter, just as much as all the other things I’ve done and never ever apologized for.

But for the most part, I’m sorry.

I feel like I owe you an apology, because the next time I see you, I’ll probably do the same shit and not realize it until I come home to reflect my thoughts.

I over think our situation too damn much and it makes me wonder if I’m putting too much thought into something that shouldn’t be. Am I?

Why can’t I.. stop clinging onto you like you’re the last thing?

I realized that… we were supposed to grow apart eventually, but, why the fuck can’t I accept it just the way it is?

I didn’t expect later to be soon. I didn’t expect to feel this left behind. I didn’t expect to feel this again and again.

Why can’t I just be okay? Just for more than a minute, more than an hour, more than a day, more than a week,  and for most, more than a year.

Why can’t I just be alright? For more.. than I could ever last in any situation thrown right towards me.

I’m sorry for… everything.

I hate I’s. I hate using them the most, but I feel like its the only thing I can write clearly. Kind of like, I think, I guess, I suppose. I am always second guessing myself. I just feel like I’m drifting so far away. Distance, damn the distance. What’s wrong with me?

I can’t stand this, I can’t stand fading again and again.

I feel that I’m drifting away from everyone and everything I knew. Its sad really. This.. pulsating unnecessary feeling seems to grow stronger every fucking day. And I just can’t help, but watch it grow. Am I in the wrong for letting go so soon and quick? It feels like years have gone by and I don’t know anyone any longer. I’m a stranger to what is real. So, does that make me… a ghost? The ghost of me?

I think… I think I like the sound of that.

Its nothing like the first time. If I started speaking in third person, would that make me look like an idiot? I’m getting sick of my I’s and everytime I just begin to feel a little better, it sinks back in. Damn.

I… don’t want to fade in the back anymore. I refuse. So, I’ll let go first.

My confidence has sunken even further into the ground. I don’t even know how far it’ll get. Maybe its the fact that I can’t handle anything tossed to me. I hate school with a fucking passion sometimes. And sometimes, I just want to see myself fall even further to see where that gets me. I’m quite aware of who I am, I just don’t know to what extent. I feel irritable every day. I’m wasteful. And I just think that I should be thrown out, never recycled.