steady and fast

My mind unravels into nothingness, as I continue to ignore the warning signs of growing up. My sentences are merely fragments and all day I listen to r/b. Trinity’s on my nuts all day erryday and I can’t write anything. Things aren’t meant to be said, but I wonder when I’ll blow.

My weight fluctuates and everyday I hope to grow a little taller and even a little healthier. But my binging and insecurities get the best of me.

I do want to be a better person, but I’m too much of a sloth to try otherwise.

The fall air gets colder- sometimes I wish I was somewhere else preferably in my bed under the covers never to wake.

“Buh mama.. mama said be careful what you wish for.”

…Well mama don’t know jack. ‘Cause I’ll take my chances.

Sorry, but come again next time

I can’t write worth shit, so I’m going to write about how my day went:

I specifically ate a lot more this morning because of the blood drive i signed up for. I don’t know I was so excited to begin with ’cause usually people cringe at the site of needles and poking and proding… so I don’t quite understand why I was okay with it all. Half the reason why I signed up for it was to miss class and the other part was because I really did want to donate blood- so I’m not all that selfish. So, I walked on down to the field house, checked in, read the “educational materials” which consisted of if I’ve ever indulged in sex of any kind, oral, anal- you name it- it was there. And then on the back there were a list of medications that would interfere with the donating process. I was pumped, ’cause I made it through, with my number in hand and was eligible to donate… HAH, I had enough iron in my blood– thinking I wasn’t going to make it through the first process. I had my finger pricked and answered questions on my sexual appetite. Surprise, surprise I passed with flying colors. They moved me on to the opposite side of the room where they started the process of finding the right vein to take blood from. (I was also complimented on my shoes =3) Anyways, we had to switch around numerous times ’cause my left arm’s vein was too small for the needle and I guess she found a rockstar vein in my right arm. So there I lie clenching my fists with pressure already against my right arm. She stuck the needle in, advising me to turn away if I couldn’t handle it- at which I did, but I turned back to look anyways. Fucked up foreign films build up your immunity towards blood and needles and torture of some sort– too bad I wasn’t being tortured.

Apparently, she couldn’t find my rockstar of a vein and had another woman come check me up- she couldn’t find it, so she had another woman do it (the one who complimented on my shoes). Turns out theres something blocking it like tissue (or fat, who fucking knows.. I’m not as healthy as people think I am).  She gave me two options, one was to call it quits or try the other arm; with one arm poked and bleeding, why not get the other one too? So i opted for the other arm, ’cause I really wanted to donate blood- I seriously did. It turns out I can’t, because the veins on my left arm are too small and she wasn’t confident in doing that so in the end I donated nothing.

All those steps for nothing.

I was disappointed the whole day, eventhough I got my arm wrapped in a green bandage– shows my attempt to donate, too fucking bad I didn’t. I was looking forward to the lightheadedness. Eh, I came to the conclusion I’d be the best vampire meal ever, ’cause I’m willing to give my blood away… more eager than I should- would that make me a slut? To vampires? An easy meal? Damn, maybe in that sense it does… I just like feeling like I’ve done something good…

Which kind of brings me to another thought– kind of like foreshadowing, will my first time be like this too? Disappointing and unfinished?

I almost gave blood- well I almost got fucked.

I think these situations hold truth. ‘Cause I get the feeling they’ll be one in the same.