Burning in a slow rotating oven

I’m drinking more than often and losing what I most thought was dear. I wonder if we’re really that good of friends or if it’s the blood in us that keeps us together.

I have all these secrets that I can’t tell you- that I’d rather not.

I hold contempt, resentment, and bitterness. But I disregard it all, because it’s just so much weight. It’s a shame I can’t let it go, chained to this ugly being- I rot in my own asylum.

And I begin to disappear. Because I no longer want to reside in this location.

I just want to digress.

I just want to forget, and relieve of all this negativity.

But it doesn’t help that i enjoy this pain and this hurt.

Yet I hate it all at the same time.

So I lay here awake and I listen to all the ghosts and goblins wander at night and I leave my hand for them to pull me aside and take me away.

I’m not strong enough to be here.

So let me burn, slowly in this oven.

And i’ll be content once more.

As I lay here awake.

pulsating features

My anger gets the best of me each day passes. It’s either I fucking love you or I fucking hate you. And I hate you, but I love you and it hurts. Hating is so much work, but so is loving. I wish it would work out, I wish I would learn, I wish… I never left.

I’m stupid on account of many things.

I don’t know what I’m doing half the time, and the other time I wish i would have done better. I’m angry, because I couldn’t do right.

ilikeyou

I don’t know what it is about you, but you’ve always been in the back of my mind, and those feelings have always been there- its just that I haven’t acted on them until now. But I feel now that I have, I’m not sure if it’s that voice that I’ve fallen for, or that face that i’ve seen so long ago. I’m not even sure if you’re the right person, but I keep hoping it is. I’m not quite sure anymore. But I swear it’s you… so why do you look any different? I’m confused, and all I want to do is hear your voice, but I can’t help but think there is something missing.

I can’t help, but wait- but i don’t want to do anymore waiting.

I want you, but I don’t want you. I’m not sure if it’ll work, but I wish it would. Your interest seems to be wavering, and my patience is thinning. I’m not sure what can be done next, but I feel ruined.

Like anyone I’m with, it’ll never last. I’m not looking for forever, but I’m looking for something just right.

I’m young, but I hate searching for long periods.

it’s been a minute

And its been forever since I’ve been on here. I’ve gained a few, and I’m feeling a little more self conscious.

I accidentally flagged you, and I am sorry.

Christmas, its a celebration bitch.

I’ll always feel regretful at the things that have gone awry. I will never be convinced that it wasn’t my fault, because no matter what it always is. No matter fucking what.

All I really want for Christmas, I can’t have, because its impossible. People say I should learn from my mistakes. Really? I never thought it’d hurt this much. This fucking much. I never knew I would regret it this much either, so much I’m at the point where I just want to jump off the cliff. ‘Cause honestly. They don’t deserve any of this. I just wish I could turn back time it do it all over.

I learned my fucking lesson. I’m sorry. I fucked up big time, I know. But if not for me, can you rewind it all not for me, but for them?

I’m selfish. I’m a brat, and I’m every thing under the moon.

The one thing I want for Christmas is impossible. I know I don’t deserve anything, but I really wish it would happen.

I’ll do it over again.

I’ll get it right. Its not for me. Honestly, it might seem materialistic, but it meant so much. So why I can’t I have it? I’ll trade something valuable in return.

I just can’t fucking stand it. I’m sorry, I really am. Why does it have to eat up at me? Its beyond torture.

I understand, I should learn from it. Its a shame I can’t redo it all over. Because I would give up everything truly just to have it all back- for them, not for me.

I’m foolish- this is foolish,

But why can’t I?

I’ll be that tactful lover

I don’t understand my emotions and  I don’t understand where and what I want to be. Looking at pictures just made me feel lonelier. Like I don’t have enough of that- I fuck around too much and I don’t have my head on straight. Be thankful I didn’t fuck up.

I hate where these emotions take me. I’m driving no where fast and everywhere I look, I seem to fall deeper into this eternal lonliness. 

What is wrong with you? Tell me now, and I’ll fix it.

I don’t fucking know, but I’d rather kill it. 

I should hit on you for all its worth to see if I could get into those pants. I should try to be a little more open, I should be, but I can’t. 

I won’t.

I won’t admit that I really want to be with you. 

And I don’t even know who you are.

But I like you and I know for damn sure you don’t even know who I am.

I said I won’t force myself- that it’ll happen. But shit hasn’t happened, because I’m pulling myself back. 

I’m doing nothing to get to you, but I’m doing everything to set myself off to the wrong place.

I took ten steps back and you sprung twenty steps forward. Where fore art thou? Bitch, I can’t spring forward as you do. 

I can’t keep it in nor can I keep it up.

I want to be with you, but I don’t have a fucking clue of where to start.

Should I whisper in your ear, give you something we all know you want to hear? Should I hold your hand and whisper sweet nothings? Should I hold you tight and never let you go? Should I tell you that you’re where I want to be?

I’m pathetic as it is and its February. 

I have no one standing beside me, but maybe mere shadows of what could be my friends. 

I don’t push hard to get to know you and I’m sorry.

We’ll never fucking meet and that makes me sad.

If I said I couldn’t live my life without you, that’d be a lie. Because I’ve been doing it since day one. I’m not going to sprout tacky shit for your sake. I might have fallen for you. But I’m staying true to my words.

I will fucking love you, with all my might maybe. I’ll have my way with you- I’ll ravish you and I’ll spoil you, but I won’t ever say something I don’t mean. It’ll hurt, we’ll hurt. Just being without you, I can bear. See? But I can’t fucking bear this solitude. 

I’m selfish, it comes with the territory. I rarely get angry, so I’ll be good to you. But I’m impatient waiting to see you. Sometimes I want you now and sometimes I want you later. 

Baby, I just want you to be my now and later. 

But I don’t know where to start. I’m not trying to sell myself, god knows that and you should too. All I’m trying to say is, I want you right now. 

Exclusively, near my side. We don’t need to take pictures, we don’t need to hold each other, because for the moment I just want a peek at you.

I want to see you, just for a bit. And then we can get back to the way we used to be. Because I won’t be on your ass, I won’t cling onto you for goodness sake- that wouldn’t be playing true to who I am. 

I’m everything thats not wanted, but you’re everything I wanted.

I’m sorry I can’t give you the world, but you are my world. And I know I’m only mouthing you cliches, but bear with me until then.

Because I will love you like a a fat kid loves cake. 

Just let me find you.

I can’t bear to like this.

I can be your all. 

I can be so much more than this if I could could just see you.

My words may not sound like magic and I’m no superstar. And maybe I can’t sweep you off your feet. But baby, I never said we’d do it like we’d do it in a fairytale. 

I’ll be something you need. 

I want you right now, so badly.

I don’t mean to sound desperate in these attempts, but I just can’t stand acting like such a fool.

’cause dear you make me feel this way.

It’s a shame a fool would fall so hard for someone they’ll never see.

Novacaine

I know I’m selfish for wanting to do the things i want to do, for not doing what I’m supposed to do. I do want to be selfless, but for being the way I am, I can’t help but be selfish; I’m the worst kind. You might understand, but I don’t give a damn anymore.

I’m numb- and all I want to do is run off.

I hate obligations, responsibility.

I’m a child; I don’t know how to fucking deal.

This situation is straining and all we really want… is broken. What’s best is if you left, maybe if you weren’t there. It’s heartwrenching in some ways, but these tears are all dried up. I can’t feel anymore. I don’t know what to say or do. I’d rather not deal, but I can’t run away from it all.

But its not like I’m doing anything to help you, or you, or even you.

I really am selfish, because I just don’t want to be apart of this anymore.

We never had an empire state building. We had measely shack fixed up with patches of the cheapest material you could find. Well… all that is deteriorating.

Who do you think you are?

Who do I think I am?

Its unhealthy.

I’m sick of these emotions, of these actions, of these words.

I’m annoyed.

I no longer want to be here anymore.

I no longer live here.

I no longer want to be.

These words mean nothing, do they?

I’m filled with selfish thoughts and empty threats.

I want to do better for her. I want nothing more to do with you..  I want to scream at you, but no words will come out. Nothing will ever work out the way its planned. We’ll be together eventually it seems.

Forgive? Maybe. Forget, never.

You’re a child, a fool to lose the very thing you worked so hard to build. You’re a hypocrite, a liar.

So why can’t I stand up?

How can you not feel the least bit guilty?

You have no shame. You have no morals, you have no dignity. You’re too damn proud and I’m too damn quiet.

It’s a shame really… you’re about to lose everything.

But thats not true, because I think I know better than anything else…

Nothing feels right anymore.

She got that thang on her.

I don’t know what to say or do anymore. And as time continues on I find myself falling further and further away from where I am supposed to be.

Where the hell am I supposed to be?

“oooh, you said a bad word.” We must now decline your access to the world wide web; please hold.

Well, all your books are burnt and your system is corrupted, I think there’s a virus on there.. woah, why is there a porno there?

Thats right, I have no fucking clue what I’m talking about and I don’t give a damn if I sound uneducated.

I’m constantly on my own ass about finding someone to be with for the time being, but I’m not even looking. its too hot in this room and I feel sick, like the sick where I should die sick. Wouldn’t it be better if we all could fade away? I know I am.

I’m slowly dying too, it’s rad- but you should not join if you enjoy where you’re at or what you’ll be. It’s not intended for those with a huge heart. I’ve got one the size of a fist, maybe even smaller. Mmmhmm.

“Rock to the right, to the left, baby let me rock you all night.”

“Eww, you’re so ghetto.”

“You know I’m in love with you.”

“Aw?”

Gah, heres some quick dialogue… it might even be my story:

I’m a dying nation. Procreation, expansion, expashion? I try to rhyme like T-pain, but it never works out that way. The sun is setting and these I’s are getting redundant. But most of all I think i’ve fallen for you, no wait.. that person behind you. Though, I do love you.

Wait, what?

I love you.

Huh? Are you speaking in Hmong? I can’t understand you…

I think I love you.

…I think you’re crazy.

And that was the end of everything. So I never believed in love, because she told me I was crazy. Or was it a he? I was only 10. So here I am, nine years later sitting on my ass, ’cause I can.

“Oh my god, I want a vampire as a boyfriend.”

“Maybe you can get a Cyclops as one… I hear they’re the new- they’re in.”

She stares at me, “ugh, way to ruin the movement.”

I stare back, “ugh, hon its moment.”

She scoffs, “whatever.”

“Whatever you, am I not enough to be your boyfriend? You never had qualifications before.”

“ohmygod… just go somewhere else. I can’t focus with you hovering over me.”

“But I’m not, in fact.. I’m 10 feet away from you and aren’t we supposed to meet up your friend for a double date?”

She slams her book shut, “Sebastian… I’m trying to read.”

“You’ve read it ten times already and I’ve already taken you see to the movie, thrice in a row in fact.”

“And I love you for that… now be my Edward and-”

I walk out of the room before she could finish anything.

The sex won’t be good, damn right it won’t.

steady and fast

My mind unravels into nothingness, as I continue to ignore the warning signs of growing up. My sentences are merely fragments and all day I listen to r/b. Trinity’s on my nuts all day erryday and I can’t write anything. Things aren’t meant to be said, but I wonder when I’ll blow.

My weight fluctuates and everyday I hope to grow a little taller and even a little healthier. But my binging and insecurities get the best of me.

I do want to be a better person, but I’m too much of a sloth to try otherwise.

The fall air gets colder- sometimes I wish I was somewhere else preferably in my bed under the covers never to wake.

“Buh mama.. mama said be careful what you wish for.”

…Well mama don’t know jack. ‘Cause I’ll take my chances.

Sorry, but come again next time

I can’t write worth shit, so I’m going to write about how my day went:

I specifically ate a lot more this morning because of the blood drive i signed up for. I don’t know I was so excited to begin with ’cause usually people cringe at the site of needles and poking and proding… so I don’t quite understand why I was okay with it all. Half the reason why I signed up for it was to miss class and the other part was because I really did want to donate blood- so I’m not all that selfish. So, I walked on down to the field house, checked in, read the “educational materials” which consisted of if I’ve ever indulged in sex of any kind, oral, anal- you name it- it was there. And then on the back there were a list of medications that would interfere with the donating process. I was pumped, ’cause I made it through, with my number in hand and was eligible to donate… HAH, I had enough iron in my blood– thinking I wasn’t going to make it through the first process. I had my finger pricked and answered questions on my sexual appetite. Surprise, surprise I passed with flying colors. They moved me on to the opposite side of the room where they started the process of finding the right vein to take blood from. (I was also complimented on my shoes =3) Anyways, we had to switch around numerous times ’cause my left arm’s vein was too small for the needle and I guess she found a rockstar vein in my right arm. So there I lie clenching my fists with pressure already against my right arm. She stuck the needle in, advising me to turn away if I couldn’t handle it- at which I did, but I turned back to look anyways. Fucked up foreign films build up your immunity towards blood and needles and torture of some sort– too bad I wasn’t being tortured.

Apparently, she couldn’t find my rockstar of a vein and had another woman come check me up- she couldn’t find it, so she had another woman do it (the one who complimented on my shoes). Turns out theres something blocking it like tissue (or fat, who fucking knows.. I’m not as healthy as people think I am).  She gave me two options, one was to call it quits or try the other arm; with one arm poked and bleeding, why not get the other one too? So i opted for the other arm, ’cause I really wanted to donate blood- I seriously did. It turns out I can’t, because the veins on my left arm are too small and she wasn’t confident in doing that so in the end I donated nothing.

All those steps for nothing.

I was disappointed the whole day, eventhough I got my arm wrapped in a green bandage– shows my attempt to donate, too fucking bad I didn’t. I was looking forward to the lightheadedness. Eh, I came to the conclusion I’d be the best vampire meal ever, ’cause I’m willing to give my blood away… more eager than I should- would that make me a slut? To vampires? An easy meal? Damn, maybe in that sense it does… I just like feeling like I’ve done something good…

Which kind of brings me to another thought– kind of like foreshadowing, will my first time be like this too? Disappointing and unfinished?

I almost gave blood- well I almost got fucked.

I think these situations hold truth. ‘Cause I get the feeling they’ll be one in the same.