She got that thang on her.

I don’t know what to say or do anymore. And as time continues on I find myself falling further and further away from where I am supposed to be.

Where the hell am I supposed to be?

“oooh, you said a bad word.” We must now decline your access to the world wide web; please hold.

Well, all your books are burnt and your system is corrupted, I think there’s a virus on there.. woah, why is there a porno there?

Thats right, I have no fucking clue what I’m talking about and I don’t give a damn if I sound uneducated.

I’m constantly on my own ass about finding someone to be with for the time being, but I’m not even looking. its too hot in this room and I feel sick, like the sick where I should die sick. Wouldn’t it be better if we all could fade away? I know I am.

I’m slowly dying too, it’s rad- but you should not join if you enjoy where you’re at or what you’ll be. It’s not intended for those with a huge heart. I’ve got one the size of a fist, maybe even smaller. Mmmhmm.

“Rock to the right, to the left, baby let me rock you all night.”

“Eww, you’re so ghetto.”

“You know I’m in love with you.”

“Aw?”

Gah, heres some quick dialogue… it might even be my story:

I’m a dying nation. Procreation, expansion, expashion? I try to rhyme like T-pain, but it never works out that way. The sun is setting and these I’s are getting redundant. But most of all I think i’ve fallen for you, no wait.. that person behind you. Though, I do love you.

Wait, what?

I love you.

Huh? Are you speaking in Hmong? I can’t understand you…

I think I love you.

…I think you’re crazy.

And that was the end of everything. So I never believed in love, because she told me I was crazy. Or was it a he? I was only 10. So here I am, nine years later sitting on my ass, ’cause I can.

“Oh my god, I want a vampire as a boyfriend.”

“Maybe you can get a Cyclops as one… I hear they’re the new- they’re in.”

She stares at me, “ugh, way to ruin the movement.”

I stare back, “ugh, hon its moment.”

She scoffs, “whatever.”

“Whatever you, am I not enough to be your boyfriend? You never had qualifications before.”

“ohmygod… just go somewhere else. I can’t focus with you hovering over me.”

“But I’m not, in fact.. I’m 10 feet away from you and aren’t we supposed to meet up your friend for a double date?”

She slams her book shut, “Sebastian… I’m trying to read.”

“You’ve read it ten times already and I’ve already taken you see to the movie, thrice in a row in fact.”

“And I love you for that… now be my Edward and-”

I walk out of the room before she could finish anything.

The sex won’t be good, damn right it won’t.

When I grow up…

Mah, so I got a 20 on my ACTs and a 2 on my ap test. Fucking whoop. I am so proud of myself, it makes me want to quit school and start my own strip club with awesome potato wedges- i’ll have them comin’ for more. Exactly, and precisely.. yum right? Yeah, I thought so to.

I’d probably get my ass kicked for even thinking of quitting school, plus I only have one year left of Anoka, so why not just continue? It wouldn’t hurt.

Eh, well.. so I opened up more to my supposed sexuality, whatever you call it. Anita says its being bi-curious and I guess I agree. I haven’t really done anything, but thats frankly because I’m too damn lazy to put effort into finding some chick to string along. Hah, so I just talk to them, flirt with them? Meh, whatever you call it. I act like I own a dick whenever we end up chatting. Everyone thinks I’m a guy online, but I just can’t help, but talk like one. There’s just some girl things that I won’t want to touch or embrace for the matter, so I won’t.

Its funny though.. when I say I’m bi, because, well… I begin to think more of having girls than guys. And with guys, I’ll think they’re cute and sometimes I want to be with one, but my mind somehow wonders off to the opposite direction.

Maybe I’m not what I think I am, and I just like looking at girls.

God, how fucking confusing is that? They’re pretty to look at, well so are guys. But I’ve said, “she’s pretty hot,” more than, “he’s hot.”

Mah, fcuk it. I can be asexual and specialize in health. I’ll be your next health teacher, so I can fcuk with your head. I think I’d be the best one too… ’cause I sure as hell can’t write.

superman times ten.

Its sad when one journal entry drains everything in your entire system, every goddamn thing. I used to be able to write more than just a paragraph of nonsense. I used to be able to write more than random. And now that I’ve actually grown, learned more words and such… nothing comes in mind and everything that appears on paper ties to the same plot, symbolism, theme and such.

There was a point time where I thought I was good, good enough to feel confident in the things I do.

And now I wonder where the hell it went, ’cause we’re not in Kansas anymore.

I want to feel that confidence. I want to breathe it. I want to live it. And… I want to see it, so badly.

I just want to feel like I can do anything.

Piccolo overdrive.

You can’t get that empty. No, really you can’t. But every goddamn time I’m alone, I start to feel empty. My mind wonders off into the past. My body lingers in the same spot for hours and hours. I think that I can astro-project. Now how do you like ‘dem apples? How, do. You?

Exactly. And precisely; you just don’t.

I know, I know… I’m not a gas gauge on E, certainly not, but I am that piece of paper flying away. I am.

You know… sometimes this ‘loneliness’  leads to that wanting feeling. Ya’ know… the feeling where you feel that you’re wanted. That feeling where butterflies flutter in your stomach. And the quickened pace of your heart. I know you know. But I haven’t found anyone, anything, or anybody that makes me feel like that, well, not for a while that is. I’m starting to think that I’ve gone asexual, ’cause its kind of hard to go up to someone and say, “I like you.” And you can’t even force it either, ’cause either way you’ll look like a complete fool, a babbling fool. “I–i-i-i-i-” Before you even know it your capital I’s turn into lowercase i’s and than you start babbling on how you like what they’re in or what they did, but not how you like that. Oh, dear kind sir/ma’am. You don’t have to go into an explanation, I’m just saying we always wonder off topic too much and that builds to the fear that we created for ourselves.

Dear, its only the fear that we create thats feared.

So… why don’t we just erase it? Undo. Or is that too painful to do? To undo the fear that you created, is just like walking past that alley that you know you shouldn’t be near, but its the only path you know or remember.

Well, I guess its just a thought- nothing else.

Maybe one day I’ll finally be able to say, “hey kid, I like you,” maybe not in that form, but its a start right? Maybe I’m not a potential asexual now am I? Ha! And I thought I was going to be Piccolo or something.

I was just worryin’ for nuthin’.

let go. think fast.

Just for a fleeting moment, I thought that everything would be fine- that time would just stand still for just one moment… that we’d have that delayed time to stand still, to be still. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I really thought it had a chance and now I know. It didn’t. It never did. I did. I stood a chance. I was a chance. Now all thats left is an unmotivated, over sensitive little girl. Damn.

Let it go, Faster and faster.

Because I…- we gotta make it.

S.x05

I… Want to smile until the sky falls down and the oceans dry up. Then.. I want to fall until the ground breaks down. I want to, I want to so badly.  I want to feel like its not over.  I want to last- just for a bit more.

I just want to dream… just for a bit longer.

cock it and blow it up.

Finding words to describe where I’m at, what I do, and who I am is never enough. If i were to stand across you and speak words out of my mouth I’d speak of this nothing that I can’t seem to let go. And if you were to watch me move across the room, you’d find a statue, A gargoyle. When you see me you’d find a frozen fountain. An unmoving being. An overthinking human. A nonsense making machine and a deteriorating facade of whats left. Even a wisp of wind. Because… I’m in that state of mind.

I just don’t want to go back. I just want to stand still. Waste. Waste, baby let me waste. Baby, baby, let me run, run. And baby, let me fly. I wanna fly. So. Let. Me.

Because I just don’t want to stay here. I just don’t want to attempt. Or do. I want to go. Just let me go.

I whispered, she whispered, he whispered, “heaven won’t take me and hell won’t welcome me, so. why. don’t.you.just.shoot. ’cause I just don’t believe in a heaven or hell…”

Home is where the hoes are at.

Yes, so indeed I’ve come to a certain conclusion that I’m a never ending cycle of not trying.
Of being and not being and seeing and not seeing.
Fug really. PFFT. Lets all make noises together; We’re all one big happy family.

Enough, though.

Its come to the point where I just want to go back to being five and start over. Life isn’t terrible- No, it never was… my teen ramblings go blah. I feel that I couldn’t get any more fatuous than I already am. Lets all go back to pigtails, white shirts, pink sweats, and rainbow bowed, black kung fu shoes.

Yes, lets. We’re all not far from home, so why don’t we all come back? Lets go back to watching Helga bully Arnold, while secretly sprouting love poems. Lets go watch Pokemon and build tents.

Lets. Come with me to Neverland… this time we’ll make it last.

A flying carpet you wished you had

“I can’t watch people cutting into other people’s faces, but I guess if it were your ass.. I’d be fine.”

Yeah, that sounds a bit right.

Songs of the past fill this empty head of mind; This motionless state of mine. I used to think about what happened after you died when I was little.  I used to get scared because of it. Do you not exist? And then I started imagining stars and the space. The in-be-tween. The everything I never really thought about. I sat in bed and thought. What happens? What happens next? My head would hurt and I’d get scared.

I still do; I don’t like the dark, but I want to be that little kid again. Maybe I’ll change it, maybe I won’t. But who knows really?

Sometimes I don’t like the way things are, but why would that matter? I’m just a petty human being. Not as important as other things, but whatever I think stays in whatever I think in.  Does that sound correct?

So, we think, worry, sympathize. And do many other… things.  Well.. sure. So, I can’t find the MAIN POINT and maybe I’m not that fast, but sometimes I don’t think it matters. Why do you do the things you do? WHY? Is it to understand.. are we that much more skilled?

Ash said, “Go Pikachu! Thundershock!” Do we need to find the main point in that? No one seems to care and thats just funny and sad at the same time. You SET out to teach us. I think I was wrong in choosing so many things, but I can’t look back. I refuse to change. I opened up in writing. And I don’t think it was right.

It never was.

Too much of a seeker of sorts.. forgot to stop caring about caring. Meh. I think I’m fine where i am, and what I’ve done. “You said you’ve seen too many many things..” You haven’t, for its a fact. A fact that people use. A fact to another fact.  Ingest it and then Digest. Because I think its better if you don’t. If you don’t ask, and if you don’t wonder.

Living in a systematic rotating oven. They say hell is hot, but I disagree. They said its cold. They said that Hades wasn’t as bad as they portrayed him. Disney has to have a Good and Evil. Theres NEVER ever a neutral- in-be-tween. Sometimes I don’t like them for it, but they’ve become big with it. I think I understand a bit. We’re just kids, and I just ADORED Aladdin. He was awesome. He had a magic carpet; i wanted a flying magic carpet. I could give a rats ass about Princess Jasmine though. She’s hot, but she’s not for me. I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I’m gay.

t.b.c.

monday morning

A warm place sounds good right now. Sleep sounds even better. Uh huh.
Homework is on the last of the To do list that doesn’t exist; its the only thing on it, and I think she’d kick my ass if I didn’t do it.

Yeah. Oh well.

Thoughts of school is like touching ice cold water. On repulse you instantly jump away or so. Yeah, well… things aren’t too far apart from what it seems.

Don’t talk, so don’t be talked to.
Its just that simple.

Don’t ask, so don’t be asked.

Hmm. What a goddamn lie. The cold is emcompassing my body. And lately I just don’t care about what happens anymore, just as long as I’m done… Done with it. Can you understand? These feelings don’t change until months have passed, so please come back next year.

There was an experiement. It was in the process of beginning, but theres one terrible error the expermenter made: there were too many variables and no control.
So she laughed a lot and jumped down the stairs. She tumbled out of bed with her mind on pause. She programmed a robot instead.
Its still on pause.
The robot took her place, except… she forgot one thing: It felt what she would have felt.
And now its malfunctioning.
Now she’s malfunctioning.
And forgetting.
And feeling a lot like a Monday morning.
She thanked herself over and over.
Nowthe experiment is inconclusive.