I’ll be that tactful lover

I don’t understand my emotions and  I don’t understand where and what I want to be. Looking at pictures just made me feel lonelier. Like I don’t have enough of that- I fuck around too much and I don’t have my head on straight. Be thankful I didn’t fuck up.

I hate where these emotions take me. I’m driving no where fast and everywhere I look, I seem to fall deeper into this eternal lonliness. 

What is wrong with you? Tell me now, and I’ll fix it.

I don’t fucking know, but I’d rather kill it. 

I should hit on you for all its worth to see if I could get into those pants. I should try to be a little more open, I should be, but I can’t. 

I won’t.

I won’t admit that I really want to be with you. 

And I don’t even know who you are.

But I like you and I know for damn sure you don’t even know who I am.

I said I won’t force myself- that it’ll happen. But shit hasn’t happened, because I’m pulling myself back. 

I’m doing nothing to get to you, but I’m doing everything to set myself off to the wrong place.

I took ten steps back and you sprung twenty steps forward. Where fore art thou? Bitch, I can’t spring forward as you do. 

I can’t keep it in nor can I keep it up.

I want to be with you, but I don’t have a fucking clue of where to start.

Should I whisper in your ear, give you something we all know you want to hear? Should I hold your hand and whisper sweet nothings? Should I hold you tight and never let you go? Should I tell you that you’re where I want to be?

I’m pathetic as it is and its February. 

I have no one standing beside me, but maybe mere shadows of what could be my friends. 

I don’t push hard to get to know you and I’m sorry.

We’ll never fucking meet and that makes me sad.

If I said I couldn’t live my life without you, that’d be a lie. Because I’ve been doing it since day one. I’m not going to sprout tacky shit for your sake. I might have fallen for you. But I’m staying true to my words.

I will fucking love you, with all my might maybe. I’ll have my way with you- I’ll ravish you and I’ll spoil you, but I won’t ever say something I don’t mean. It’ll hurt, we’ll hurt. Just being without you, I can bear. See? But I can’t fucking bear this solitude. 

I’m selfish, it comes with the territory. I rarely get angry, so I’ll be good to you. But I’m impatient waiting to see you. Sometimes I want you now and sometimes I want you later. 

Baby, I just want you to be my now and later. 

But I don’t know where to start. I’m not trying to sell myself, god knows that and you should too. All I’m trying to say is, I want you right now. 

Exclusively, near my side. We don’t need to take pictures, we don’t need to hold each other, because for the moment I just want a peek at you.

I want to see you, just for a bit. And then we can get back to the way we used to be. Because I won’t be on your ass, I won’t cling onto you for goodness sake- that wouldn’t be playing true to who I am. 

I’m everything thats not wanted, but you’re everything I wanted.

I’m sorry I can’t give you the world, but you are my world. And I know I’m only mouthing you cliches, but bear with me until then.

Because I will love you like a a fat kid loves cake. 

Just let me find you.

I can’t bear to like this.

I can be your all. 

I can be so much more than this if I could could just see you.

My words may not sound like magic and I’m no superstar. And maybe I can’t sweep you off your feet. But baby, I never said we’d do it like we’d do it in a fairytale. 

I’ll be something you need. 

I want you right now, so badly.

I don’t mean to sound desperate in these attempts, but I just can’t stand acting like such a fool.

’cause dear you make me feel this way.

It’s a shame a fool would fall so hard for someone they’ll never see.

the reason to.

Seeking and searching, while sleeping. Call it slight a coma, ’cause thats my status- my state. My ambitions vary from time to time- right now I just want to fly. Years go by, yet I feel like I haven’t grown- physically or mentally. And the best part about it, is when you fade behind.

I do, feel as if I’ve been here before. So, why does it feel like I can’t do anything… to stop it? For lack of words, I hold no power to these visions. I feel crazy and as if I’m imagining what will happen next, or in a few years. Yet, every time I get this feeling I can’t help but shudder and feel nostalgia pass me by.

Fuck astro-projecting in afternoons. All I get is sick of feeling weightless. I awake with a pain in my neck and I stumble out of bed half awake; blurs fill the room as I tumble out the bedroom and down the stairs. What… what do you do when… when you’re too scared to even try? What do you do when everything and everybody takes ten steps forward and you spring ten steps back? How the fuck do you catch up to that? Too slow to catch on and too clingy to the past. How do you let go of something you’re not ready to?

I can’t help, but keep this negative outlook. I can’t but feel like I’ve failed- ’cause anything I touch turns into sand. Anything I do… fails miserably.

So. How. Do. You. End. This.?

Sleeping for all its worth isn’t worth jack shit if you miss every little thing going on. Too selfish for my own good, I… focused on trivial matters. I was vain in my pursuit of acceptance. I, was… lonely.

And sad. Tired, and angry.

Troublesome. I just want to forget- to stop caring so much. Let me reach that apathetic state once again, because I can’t stand me.

Existence is bliss

I’m running on borrowed time, a time that I carelessly toss out the door- window per say. This past year- these past years I’ve done nothing, but rot. Rot in the nearest corner. I crumble into shards of glass. I spill endless amounts of paint across the bathroom mirror. School. I hate it. I hate my laziness. My apathetic attitude- views. I can’t… I just can’t think of anything better to say.

Just give me a miracle or something. Walking in school half awake- being half asleep for the whole year.. is just fucking ridiculous.

I’m selfish to every degree, vain for every turn you take, lazy to the utmost…

I just don’t fucking think I should even exist anymore.