Novacaine

I know I’m selfish for wanting to do the things i want to do, for not doing what I’m supposed to do. I do want to be selfless, but for being the way I am, I can’t help but be selfish; I’m the worst kind. You might understand, but I don’t give a damn anymore.

I’m numb- and all I want to do is run off.

I hate obligations, responsibility.

I’m a child; I don’t know how to fucking deal.

This situation is straining and all we really want… is broken. What’s best is if you left, maybe if you weren’t there. It’s heartwrenching in some ways, but these tears are all dried up. I can’t feel anymore. I don’t know what to say or do. I’d rather not deal, but I can’t run away from it all.

But its not like I’m doing anything to help you, or you, or even you.

I really am selfish, because I just don’t want to be apart of this anymore.

We never had an empire state building. We had measely shack fixed up with patches of the cheapest material you could find. Well… all that is deteriorating.

Who do you think you are?

Who do I think I am?

Its unhealthy.

I’m sick of these emotions, of these actions, of these words.

I’m annoyed.

I no longer want to be here anymore.

I no longer live here.

I no longer want to be.

These words mean nothing, do they?

I’m filled with selfish thoughts and empty threats.

I want to do better for her. I want nothing more to do with you..  I want to scream at you, but no words will come out. Nothing will ever work out the way its planned. We’ll be together eventually it seems.

Forgive? Maybe. Forget, never.

You’re a child, a fool to lose the very thing you worked so hard to build. You’re a hypocrite, a liar.

So why can’t I stand up?

How can you not feel the least bit guilty?

You have no shame. You have no morals, you have no dignity. You’re too damn proud and I’m too damn quiet.

It’s a shame really… you’re about to lose everything.

But thats not true, because I think I know better than anything else…

Nothing feels right anymore.

steady and fast

My mind unravels into nothingness, as I continue to ignore the warning signs of growing up. My sentences are merely fragments and all day I listen to r/b. Trinity’s on my nuts all day erryday and I can’t write anything. Things aren’t meant to be said, but I wonder when I’ll blow.

My weight fluctuates and everyday I hope to grow a little taller and even a little healthier. But my binging and insecurities get the best of me.

I do want to be a better person, but I’m too much of a sloth to try otherwise.

The fall air gets colder- sometimes I wish I was somewhere else preferably in my bed under the covers never to wake.

“Buh mama.. mama said be careful what you wish for.”

…Well mama don’t know jack. ‘Cause I’ll take my chances.

Sorry, but come again next time

I can’t write worth shit, so I’m going to write about how my day went:

I specifically ate a lot more this morning because of the blood drive i signed up for. I don’t know I was so excited to begin with ’cause usually people cringe at the site of needles and poking and proding… so I don’t quite understand why I was okay with it all. Half the reason why I signed up for it was to miss class and the other part was because I really did want to donate blood- so I’m not all that selfish. So, I walked on down to the field house, checked in, read the “educational materials” which consisted of if I’ve ever indulged in sex of any kind, oral, anal- you name it- it was there. And then on the back there were a list of medications that would interfere with the donating process. I was pumped, ’cause I made it through, with my number in hand and was eligible to donate… HAH, I had enough iron in my blood– thinking I wasn’t going to make it through the first process. I had my finger pricked and answered questions on my sexual appetite. Surprise, surprise I passed with flying colors. They moved me on to the opposite side of the room where they started the process of finding the right vein to take blood from. (I was also complimented on my shoes =3) Anyways, we had to switch around numerous times ’cause my left arm’s vein was too small for the needle and I guess she found a rockstar vein in my right arm. So there I lie clenching my fists with pressure already against my right arm. She stuck the needle in, advising me to turn away if I couldn’t handle it- at which I did, but I turned back to look anyways. Fucked up foreign films build up your immunity towards blood and needles and torture of some sort– too bad I wasn’t being tortured.

Apparently, she couldn’t find my rockstar of a vein and had another woman come check me up- she couldn’t find it, so she had another woman do it (the one who complimented on my shoes). Turns out theres something blocking it like tissue (or fat, who fucking knows.. I’m not as healthy as people think I am).  She gave me two options, one was to call it quits or try the other arm; with one arm poked and bleeding, why not get the other one too? So i opted for the other arm, ’cause I really wanted to donate blood- I seriously did. It turns out I can’t, because the veins on my left arm are too small and she wasn’t confident in doing that so in the end I donated nothing.

All those steps for nothing.

I was disappointed the whole day, eventhough I got my arm wrapped in a green bandage– shows my attempt to donate, too fucking bad I didn’t. I was looking forward to the lightheadedness. Eh, I came to the conclusion I’d be the best vampire meal ever, ’cause I’m willing to give my blood away… more eager than I should- would that make me a slut? To vampires? An easy meal? Damn, maybe in that sense it does… I just like feeling like I’ve done something good…

Which kind of brings me to another thought– kind of like foreshadowing, will my first time be like this too? Disappointing and unfinished?

I almost gave blood- well I almost got fucked.

I think these situations hold truth. ‘Cause I get the feeling they’ll be one in the same.

rambles in school

Usually I don’t write in school, but I guess today is the day this is going to all change. It might be squeaky clean ’cause I’m half asleep and I can’t remember the girl’s name in my dream on the way to school. I’m happy when sleeping at most times, otherwise when I’m awake I’m dead to the world. I put off this quiet persona ’cause thats who I am, but I there’s more, I ’spose, not much though. How the hell do you unveil a lazy person? I don’t talk, ’cause I don’t feel like carrying on. I’ve been told I’m good at listening so thats just what I’ll do… talking was never my thing (and I’m not really paying attention to what I’m typing). Alex is playing on my shuffle, itsallgood, I can’t understand a thing he’s saying other then he misses someone, but who doesn’t in a song?

Eh, I’m not up for dialogue now. I tried banning like from my vocab too, unless essential. She rollin’ for you? Like a blunt? It’s the aspiring drug dealer in me that surfaces. Yeah, right… I’d get my ass kicked if I really was doing that, so I just decided to become a rapper and have my cousin as my manager, “girl, lemme be yo manager.” Oooh, I like? Not really.

Up next is fashion and I kinda hate/like it; worksheets have never really been fun, but I don’t see why I’m hating these worksheets when they’re so damn easy. Maybe I was expecting to watch Project Runway, ’cause that would be aces (lmao, CR is so getting to me). I don’t have a life, honest to god, even though I don’t really believe in him- its my apathy that surfaces once more (it surfaces many times in blogs.).

I wish I was a ho? Just for kicks and giggles. Not really, I think I’d like to open an agency.

Whine for me.

I gave up writing ’cause I couldn’t take the criticism; thats how weak minded I is. Regardless, I write tid bits of how I feel, rather than… rather than what? No idea, no idea.

Without being able to continue on this lost interest, I progress further into not trying and giving in easily or up if that works for you. It works for me just fine. Just fine, but I can’t settle for that as of late; why? ‘Cause I have a fcukin’ year left until I get knocked to the ‘real’ world they say. Whatever the hell that means.

Meh, i’ll manage somehow like I usually do. But I guess if I were a fuck-up I’d gain more out of this experience, but sadly I’m not. I’m just some asian kid obsessed with the past. I can’t work around my peter pan complex, no sir no.

Tired. Thats how I feel. I do nothing, I grow nothing, I seek nothing, and sometimes I feel nothing. Poor, poor shell. Thou is empty? Yes, like your gas gauge on E.

Excuse me. You’s are inappropriate to include in sentences; it’s informal- come see me.

Decodes to- You suck ass, what the fuck is wrong with you and why the fuck are you in this class? You can’t write worth shit; are you sure you’re not retarded?

No ma’am no. No sir no. I am not, sorry to disappoint, but I can’t do this anymore.

I give up… just like that.

Fly to the sky…

To never get high.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Sulking, sleeping, fading, meh.. all in a days work. I’m frightened to death. I don’t have the courage to pursue anything. Its hard to let go, really sir it is. So, why don’t we…

Fly?

High… higher and higher, so that when the day comes, I’ll no longer look away.

Make it so that we can be on Empty.

Sometimes I really wish I was Lola Granola, whoever she is. And sometimes, I wish I was crazy, so I wouldn’t have to think of feeling like shit- excuse my French. I want to be selfish, yet I want to be selfless. It’s terrible really, sir. I want many many  things, but a man is the least of my problems. Sometimes I wonder if its a woman I want? Or maybe just no one that I want. The truth is, is i want to feel like I’m needed. But, that’s okay, it really is.

I don’t have to want to need this.  I can just pretend and it’ll be all over; right? Because pretending is the next best thing.

Hey doc, hey doc… Can you make me feel empty? Can you make it so I’m empty? I don’t want to feel full anymore. No more sir, no more. Make it so I can’t feel. Make it so that, if someone wanted to be another, they could be me… ’cause I sure as hell don’t want to be me anymore, not right now atleast, nope, not today. Can you do that? Can you? I’d very much like that, I really would. I don’t mind at all of course. I really don’t.

Nope, not at all.

Apolo-gize: to whom it may concern

FCUK, lets say it five times fast. I know, I know that it won’t matter, just as much as all the other things I’ve done and never ever apologized for.

But for the most part, I’m sorry.

I feel like I owe you an apology, because the next time I see you, I’ll probably do the same shit and not realize it until I come home to reflect my thoughts.

I over think our situation too damn much and it makes me wonder if I’m putting too much thought into something that shouldn’t be. Am I?

Why can’t I.. stop clinging onto you like you’re the last thing?

I realized that… we were supposed to grow apart eventually, but, why the fuck can’t I accept it just the way it is?

I didn’t expect later to be soon. I didn’t expect to feel this left behind. I didn’t expect to feel this again and again.

Why can’t I just be okay? Just for more than a minute, more than an hour, more than a day, more than a week,  and for most, more than a year.

Why can’t I just be alright? For more.. than I could ever last in any situation thrown right towards me.

I’m sorry for… everything.

fade right pass; you?

I hate I’s. I hate using them the most, but I feel like its the only thing I can write clearly. Kind of like, I think, I guess, I suppose. I am always second guessing myself. I just feel like I’m drifting so far away. Distance, damn the distance. What’s wrong with me?

I can’t stand this, I can’t stand fading again and again.

Fall.

I feel that I’m drifting away from everyone and everything I knew. Its sad really. This.. pulsating unnecessary feeling seems to grow stronger every fucking day. And I just can’t help, but watch it grow. Am I in the wrong for letting go so soon and quick? It feels like years have gone by and I don’t know anyone any longer. I’m a stranger to what is real. So, does that make me… a ghost? The ghost of me?

I think… I think I like the sound of that.